It's a very slow process - two steps forward, one step back - but I'm inching in the right direction. - Rob Reiner

January 22, 2014

On the Verge of Greatness

I know most of you won’t read this entire post and that’s ok.  It's a pretty unusual post for me.  I'm not usually this philosophical.  So if you don’t read this, that’s fine.  There is probably nothing earth shattering in here, but maybe if you read it, you will get some little "nugget" that is worthwhile.  It is just something that has been on my mind and I wanted to share it with you.

"The Thinker" - image credit Todd Martin
I feel like I have lived my entire life “on the verge of greatness”.  I use the word “greatness” quite liberally.  I’ve always been good at things, but not great.  I’ve always been pretty smart, but not the smartest kid in school…graduating 3rd in my class, just shy of that coveted valedictorian or salutatorian spot.  I’ve always done well at my job and been highly praised, but never that total stand out.  Now, we all know I’m not a “good” runner or triathlete, not in the way most people would define one...and that is by time and placement at the podium, but I go out and “do my best” or at least that’s what I tell myself. 

So here’s the deal.  I am not afraid of hard work.  I do it every day at my job.  I always studied just hard enough to get that “A” at least most of the time.  I put in the miles and hours of training to be able to complete a race. I know I have mental toughness.  I’ve had some tough races that I didn’t think I could get through but I did.  But yet, I feel like I’m not really willing to do what I need to do to get to that next level.  I want to say I do, but am I really doing what it takes?

Take this as an example.  In high school, I got all As and 2 Bs during my 4 years.  Now, those two Bs were earned.  I did try my best and they were just subjects that were tough for me…or the teacher was crazy.  But we had “weighted” classes – you know instead of taking General Math you took Trigonometry, so that A in Trig was worth a little more than the A in General Math.  Anyway, all it took in high school was me signing up for one more weighted class and getting an A in that class and I would have been Salutatorian.  Valedictorian was out of reach, but Salutatorian was not.  So what did I chose as my elective – a weighted class – no – I chose Chorus.  Now, I enjoyed Chorus it was fun…but I didn’t take that much needed step to achieve the next level.  Why?
I’ve been thinking about this with my racing and weight loss.  I want to get better, faster, stronger, skinnier….but yet year after year, it’s the same thing.  I get a little better through sheer  time in sport, I mean those  logged miles do actually make you better, but am I really doing what it takes to be “great”.  No I don’t think I am, but why is that?  I know that weight loss will make me faster.  Period it’s just the truth, but yet I won’t do what it takes to get there.  Why is that?  I will tell you why, it is self-sabotage brought on by "fear"...maybe...it's just a thought.

It’s a hard thing to understand, but I’ve done it all my life.  I know many of you probably have too.  Many times I come within 5 pounds of my goal weight just to slack off at the end and start gaining weight again, never quite meeting my goal.  I'll train and train for a race, and a few weeks before I just get tired and maybe taper or relax a little too much.  
I have been trying to figure out why and I guess at the end of the day the answer is fear.  It’s easy to be good.  I can put in effort and be good at things.  But, I might put in more effort and fail.  And no one wants to fail.  What if I give it my all and I train my butt off and I lose weight, and I do all the things I need to do and don’t reach my goal.  Then what excuse do I have – that I just wasn’t good enough.  I think we all want/need those built in excuses to protect ourselves.
That is probably what makes most of us different from say Einstein or an Olympian.  No, I'm not comparing myself to them, I realize there is extreme intelligence and skill there that I don't have, but they weren't afraid to fail.  Well maybe there were, but they were willing to risk failure.  As a matter of fact failure makes them stronger.  There are so many sayings out there around failure we all know it’s “ok” to fail…but really, how many of us actually enjoy it.  I’m not a gambler, I don’t like to lose.  Sure when you win it’s awesome…but so often you have to lose multiple times to win.  You know that saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - but what if it does kill you?  Then what.

In 2013 I posted my goals and I failed miserably at many of them.  It was easy to blame a broken wrist on the missed mileage goals.  It’s easy to have “excuses” for missing goals.  It’s hard to say I missed that goal because I just wasn’t good enough.  I think that’s the reason for self-sabotage.  We have to give ourselves an escape route.  I need an excuse for why I didn’t meet a goal.  At the end of the day there are legitimate reasons to miss goals - life happens.  But we need to learn to be ok with missing a goal because it was simply something out of reach. We worked hard to reach it, but in the end we just couldn't do it.  And so we just keep trying until we get there.
So this year, I want to learn to let go of the excuses.  I want to give it my best – everyday.  I’m probably going to try and fail at it over and over again, but that’s ok.  This isn't an "reinvent" myself blog post, but really a getting to know and understand myself post.  Greatness isn't necessarily being "great" at something.  It's giving it your all and allowing yourself to fail and being ok with that.  But if at the end of the day you succeed - then WOW think about how great that will feel.

Do you ever feel like you sabotage yourself right?  Why do you think you do it?

 

34 comments:

  1. First - I did read this post all the way through.
    Second - I'm right there with you with the training and the weight loss and the fear. (But none of the girly stuff.)
    I once edited a weight loss book in which the writer said many overweight people are perfectionists, and that is why they can't lose weight. It was his twist on just what you say: fear of failure. Maybe that's true about me. I've lost a lot of weight (a LOT), but I'm stuck at my current weight for a couple of years. I know exactly what I need to do. I did it before. But I sabotage my efforts by "one-time-won't-hurt" binges and poor choices at other times. (A large popcorn at the movies? Really?)
    I don't really "train." I just go out and run as much as I can. I don't stretch before or after. I don't do intervals or hill repeats. I don't do cool downs. I don't cross train (much). I fear the hard work and the exceedingly slow payoff from all of that. And I tell myself that now is not the time to do that because I'm "training" for Rock the Parkway. And after that I'll be "training" for the Portland Marathon. (YIKES!) I shouldn't be trying something new.
    I don't know what the answer is. (I'm actually forbidden to do any core work right now because of some recent surgery, but even I see that as a much-too-handy excuse.) I vowed that this year I would train properly, and I'm thinking after RTP I will. But I may just as likely fall into my comfortable way of thinking.
    I certainly envy your ability and your clear headedness. I suspect you're actually working you way to success and just don't realize it.

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    1. Thanks Paul for the very thoughtful reply! The thoughts on the author about the weight loss book are very interesting. Obviously there are often reason we can't train the way we want/need to that go way beyond the whole "self sabotage" thing, but I just know for me that I've done it far too many times in the past. I know what I should/need to be doing from a training/diet perspective but often just chose not to for some reason...so just trying to figure that one out for myself.

      I'll be at RTP too! I set my current half marathon PR there in 2012 and haven't been able to touch it since...I still don't know that it will change this year because the Garmin half a few weeks later is my new PR attempt....let's see if I can get there!

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  2. I read the whole thing.

    If you failed at your goals, you had the wrong goals. You are too tough on yourself.

    I think you had a great year.

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  3. Blaming things on a broken wrist is very reasonable. But if you get the weight loss thing figured out let me know because I am right there with you.

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  4. I sort of went through this exact thinking last year when my wife asked me "why I wasn't faster". She had read a story about a lady that ran her first marathon faster than I did. And it dawned on me that I was training to complete a race instead of training to compete in races. There is a huge difference in the mindset alone. Once I got outof that trao that I actually wanted to compete, it chnaged my training completely.

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  5. I hear you. I really dedicated myself two years ago. I was faster, healthier, happier, and ten pounds from my goal weight. And then I just stopped. I didn't get injured. I didn't have a huge life tragedy. It's definitely easier to just let it go and not try. Because then you're not really failing. You're not hitting your goals, but not because you tried and failed. If that makes sense. Kudos to you for the reflection though. I have no doubt that you can overcome this!

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  6. I totally get it! I've always said that I'm "average" at everything never above! :-) We all have our hang ups but just the fact that you are out there and don't give up, every year come back for more tells me there is greatness there for you!

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  7. I skimmed through it ... YOU were in chorus??? Kidding, I read it all. I think you're awesome.

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  8. I had this EXACT conversation with a friend this weekend. This is so true of me, except usually for me it's haphazard training, results just good enough to leave me wondering what I could have done if I'd really committed myself. Emily at Sweat Once a Day did a post a year or so ago about untapped potential, and that spoke to me. I totally think for me it's a combination of laziness and of self-protection: if I don't REALLY try, I can frame anything as a success ("hey, I gutted it out and finished"). Pretty much how Paul described it: complete vs. compete. That's ok every once in a while, but it's pretty lame as a way of life. But for me it's easier to talk about failure than success. Talking about success feels like bragging, though not when I'm reading about other peoples' successes. I'm much more comfortable describing how I didn't do what I needed to do.

    Things have been going better lately, training-wise because I lucked into a way faster, more motivated friend who's gotten me out and moving and doesn't baby me as much as maybe my teammates do and I've had to live up to that a little. So one part has been working harder (though consistency during the week is pretty much a joke), but the other part (weight-wise, now) has been being easier on myself. Trying to do small things right consistently and not freaking out or giving up on myself when I go off track. There's still a ways to go, but I've seen progress.

    Anyway, you're doing so many things right and you seem to have great support at home. I hope this is the year that it all clicks for you. :)

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    1. Thanks Kate! I hope it's a great year for you too!

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  9. I read the whole blog.

    I don't have a weight problem, but I have 10 pounds that I would like to loose. The same 10 pounds that I have been trying to loose for 5 years. I don't like to suffer. To me suffering means no ice cream or M&M's. So I am trying little steps. Trying 1 small attainable goal at a time. No ice cream for a while, then no sodas, then no M&M's. I have a Half Ironman in 3 months - that 10 pounds needs to be gone or it is going to be one miserable day.

    I have had a couple of goals for the 5K and half marathon - but my not wanting to suffer has really sabotaged my training. I worked with a running coach for a while last year, but the work that had to be done for me to get faster was very painful. I enjoy running too much - I just wasn't ready to hurt just for a PR that probably didn't mean anything to anyone except me. I'll probably just continue running at an easy pace and having fun. Every once in a while, I win my age group because the competition slept in.

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  10. I really get where you're coming from. I have a tendency to sabotage my training - it'll be going really well and as soon as I see the race get close I tend to freak out a bit and not want to train. Some of it is from fear of getting sick again but a lot is because I don't cope when I put too much pressure on myself. You might not have noticed but I rarely put goals on my races. I think that's because I'm scared of not achieving them and having the world know that I failed.

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  11. I totally get what you are saying! I always say "Well I could run XXX or lose XXX lbs if I reallllly wanted to, but I don't necessarily want to put the effort in. Maybe one day I will and I'll write a great post like this!

    Good luck on your goals! You know we are all here to cheer you on!

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  12. I don't think you lose until you stop trying. . and that's all we can do! I don't know if my problem is self-sabotage. . . more just lazy. haha!

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  13. Great post – thank-you!

    As silly as it sounds I don't think I have ever associated self-sabotage with fear of failure but seeing it written out by you makes it seem so logical and makes a lot of things make sense!

    I do it every time, I post about a mini victory (weight or training) or an optimistic plan...VERY soon afterwards an insurmountable excuse or reason arises to prevent the continuation.

    I applaud your realisation of this and thank-you for sharing it. I too think that this year will need to be one of change both physical and mental!

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  14. Self-sabatoge is a terrible beast to tame. We all seem to do it. I see it all the time professionally (in fact, that's a huge part of what I do as a Personal Trainer is help people see how and why they are holding themselves back), but sometimes even knowing the problem doesn't lead to easy answers. It's so hard to tell the difference between "reasons" and "excuses" when it comes to falling short of our goals. It's awesome that you're putting these thoughts into words, and thank you for sharing them with us!

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  15. After all the replies, I'm not sure what to say. I think the fact that you work at your goals says a lot of about you. I think you had a great 2013. 2014 will be even better!

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  16. I think this is where a proper training log would be handy - you ARE putting in the work and you should be able to see where you've made improvements. I mean, you set two marathon PRs this past year, but recording how you feel during training and maybe setting small intermediate goals (not race-time-based, more like 'how many 800s can I run at this pace') for yourself will help with this head game, so that you see that you really are making progress. And in areas that you haven't made improvements, you can then go and tweak your training so that you do. I'm a big fan of processing the data...! Don't be so hard on yourself for laziness or self-sabotage - it's not only a 'work harder' sort of thing, you also have to go about it strategically!

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  17. I read the whole thing too. I totally hear you on this. I find myself often setting goals because I know I can do them. I never set a goal if I'm not sure I can do it. I can't even wrap my brain around what that goal might be.

    I agree with the other to not beat yourself up. You are clearly working your butt off and enjoying some balance in your life. Taking chorus added fun into your schedule which would clearly have not been there if you had taken the harder classes. So, you know the value of balance and it's part of who you are. Celebrate that.

    And I have a big question for you... I know you're a big fan of racing... I have a team of bloggers who are running the Ragnar Relay in Southern California in April and we just lost a few teammembers. Would you be interested in joining our team?

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    1. Carrie that would be sooo much fun! But I just can't right now. We are expecting another grandchild in early April so I need to stay close to home!

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    2. Congratulations on your grandchild! Awww... babies... so cute!!! Enjoy!!!

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  19. Hi Michael....I have been reading your blog for a little while but had not commented before.

    I definitely read the whole thing. This post hit home for me. I can relate to most everything you said. In spite of having a few marathons behind me, I have struggled with running the past couple of years even though I thought I had set reasonable goals. There was always an easy excuse as to why I couldn't run on any given day. Truth is, I should have been able to overcome all of them. So, when 2014 began, I decided to approach 2014 similarly. I just need to let go and enjoy what I am able to achieve.

    I do hope you have a good training year. From what I have read, you certainly put your heart & soul into it!

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  20. I found your post very interesting. I can relate to many of the things you say here. I've been great and can be great at almost anything I do. Yet, I often choose to remain below the radar. I am working at changing a lot of that this year. I know I am actually great :) You are too...

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  21. You guys are all great! Wow, so many thoughtful comments!

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  22. Not sure that you need to be so hard on yourself - when I was doing my 2013 runners of the year post - you were among the final 4 people I was debating about awarding it to. You set a ton of PRs in 2013, not sure what more you want to do. Maybe in the end you deep down don't care about going 110% during all training and races, and that is fine. Simply staying active to stay fit is just fine. It's one reason why recently I'm been debating about whether or not I really should do races again - because doing races increases your potential for injury if you do them all out. And doing races at training speeds seems like a weird idea to me.

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  23. You are living my life!!! That is exactly the problem I have when it comes to racing, losing weight, going to the next level, getting faster. I feel your pain! I also understand how hard it is to fit in life and training. Its almost impossible at times!

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  24. Training and racing should be fun for us average athletes so you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I wish I was skinnier and faster too, but just chose a couple beers and wings at the airport instead of water and salad. I'll likely make the same choice next week :-)

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  25. I think the phrase "get out of my head" fits. I resolved to just run and bike and enjoy it, the feeling of being a failure was making me miserable. Enjoy what you are doing, and the rest will come? I don't know if it will work, but I'm giving it a try, just loving the run and the ride, for the first time in a long time.

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  26. And a side note - but maybe you subconsciously copy Jim's ways of doing things? Jim is the most competitive person I've probably ever read about. That might be too personal of an observation, but something to think about - that just because people are spouses doesn't mean they have exactly the same desires or wants deep down.

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  27. http://www.ted.com/talks/sandra_aamodt_why_dieting_doesn_t_usually_work.html?utm_source=direct-on.ted.com&utm_campaign=&awesm=on.ted.com_DietsDontWork&utm_content=awesm-publisher&utm_medium=on.ted.com-static

    I think you are too hard on yourself, and that you are comparing apples to non-apples :-) Losing weight is working against your brain, fighting your DNA, and not using your brain or body as in other activities that you are good at or do diligently.
    Hugs

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  28. I read it all!!!!! AND I totally get it!!! I did the exact same thing in high school!! I found out the beginning of our senior year that I had a shot at salutatorian. To make sure I didnt get it, I took band, typing, and TWO study halls, and I worked in the office (non credit) for a period. I went from third to tenth!!!! What the heck!!??
    I hate competition!! I hate the 'lime light'!! I hate people looking at me!!
    I did it at my job too!! I screwed myself out of a promotion by 'forgetting my appointment time'. I wanted it, but once I got into the process I knew I would have to deal with confrontation, and I 'cant do that'.
    So I totally agree, self sabotage is real!! AND, now that you got me thinking, is that why my weight loss stalled? I lost 80 lbs!! and still have 25 to go to get to my goal weight. After 60 lbs people started really noticing and I received lots of compliments. and Wows. I stopped losing weight, in fact, I put back on 10 lbs. What the heck!! Am I afraid of failure or am I afraid of the limelight? OR both???
    WOW!! Great thots Michael!!
    PS I think youre pretty awesome!!

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  29. Nice post. The real question is how to define success or perhaps even greatness. Wish answering that was easier or even the same everyday.

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