It's a very slow process - two steps forward, one step back - but I'm inching in the right direction. - Rob Reiner

February 15, 2012

Fear

I am afraid. 

Afraid of what?  Of failure.  Around August of last year I started discussing the possibility of doing a Half Ironman with some of my girlfriends.  It was a fun idea to talk about, but now it’s becoming more of a reality.  I haven’t signed up for the race yet – why - because I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of lots of things:

·         I am afraid that my shoulder won’t hold out and that I’ll train and train only to be disappointed in the end and unable to race.
·         I’m afraid I won’t physically be able to bike for 56 miles.  I remember all too well my first (and only) 50 mile ride and how I thought I was going to die before I finished.
·         I’m afraid that I will be too slow and get “swept” from the race.  How disappointing would that be?
·         I’m afraid of new injuries and the fact that I’m not sure my body is up for the challenge.
·         I’m afraid of the training time and commitment.
·         I’m afraid of getting a flat tire in the middle of the race and not being able to fix it.
·         I’m afraid of finishing dead last.
·         I’m afraid.

This isn’t my first big event.  Over the past couple of years I’ve had several “firsts” – completing my first half marathon, first triathlon and first marathon.  So why is this one troubling me so much?  I do think my biggest fear is my shoulder.  I’m still not certain that I am physically capable of doing the training to get to the point where I can swim 1.2 miles.  I still know in the back of my mind that surgery has been recommended.  I know that I’ve been swimming again for a month, but have seen little improvement.  I don’t want to commit to the very hefty $250 race fee only to find out that I can’t race.  But am I using that as an excuse not to move forward?  I don’t know.  If my shoulder was out of the equation, would I still be here? 

I keep talking in terms of “if I train for this Half Ironman” and “if I do this Half Ironman”.  I need to stop saying if and start saying when.  I already know that I don’t have to commit physically to the race (i.e. sign up for it and pay the fee), but I need to commit mentally.  I need to say I am training for a Half Ironman, I am going to do a Half Ironman in July.  If at the end of the day my shoulder is an inhibitor, well it just is, that stuff happens, but I can’t keep letting that get in my way and give me an excuse to not try.

So friends, I’m saying it to the world.  I am training for a Half Ironman.  My journey begins February 27.  I hope you will all be here to help me along the way.  I know I’ll need your support.

What do you fear?  Do you let it stop you?

The miracle isn’t that I finished, it’s that I had the courage to start” – John Bingham

30 comments:

  1. Are you training for IM Kansas because I just made the decision this week to sign up? We could support each other through the training!!!!

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  2. me too Michael, me too. Totally, totally get the fear. Man, do I ever! I think you *can* do it though. Plan (big!) for the future, but live fully in today. I keep reminding myself that by God's grace I *can* do all that I need to do today... I don't have to worry about tomorrow yet. : ) You go, girl! I'm definitely here cheering.....

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  3. oh i can totally relate to this. too often i let my own fear and doubts get in the way of my training or accomplishing my goals. but friend. know that i am pulling for you and believe in you! can't wait to cheer you on every step of the way here soon :)

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  4. Most things worth doing have some fear attached to them. Congrats on committing to do it despite the fear!

    I can't wait to watch your journey. I'll be doing my first HIM around the same time, so we'll go through it together.

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  5. EACH OF THOSE THINGS I ASK MYSELF! I think it's 100% normal. I'm always asking myself what I'm really afraid of? For me, I think if I'm honest, it's the fear of being left behind in the water. Being the last person to finish. I've never ridden 50 miles on my bike. Each time I ride the house I wonder if whatever training I do will be enough? The run, well...worst case scenario, I walk. Deep down, I worry about being last but when I think about that, I ask myself "if you knew you would be last, would you still go?" ...I say yes. I think it's about completing the task, for myself. Period. Doing the best and if my best is last then so be it. No shame in hours of time and sweat invested. I say you do it, train for it and let everything else fall away. Fears be gone! Go big Michael!!! I believe you can do it!

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  6. Absolutley you can do it! Injury is not in your control (as long as you are smart) but you have the ability for sure and I am looking forward to watching the journey!

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  7. I fear many things...many, many many things. Everyone does. And if they say they don't...well, they're just faking.

    it's what we DO with that fear that makes us who we are as individuals...it can either drive us forward, or push us back. If we use it to our advantage...what can't we learn from it, right?

    Even if we end up not getting to where we wanted, or reaching that final destination, or even staying injury free...didn't we win just for trying? At least, that's how I try and look at things...and you seem the same!

    Hey...Progress, not Perfection right? You gotta start somewhere...and I say GO FOR IT!

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  8. Oh Michael I absolutely love the honesty of this post. It really is so scary to face our fears and mentally overcome our negative mindsets. You have proven to me and everyone else time and time again that you are capable of hard things and there isn't a doubt in my mind that you CAN and WILL complete this half iron man. I am behind you and here to support you 100%. Let the training begin. :)

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  9. Of course you are uncertain! The shoulder thing was huge. Once bitten, twice shy, right? But you CAN do it and we will always support you. Heck, the only way I will ever do a tri is vicariously through you and others. I can't wait to travel along that road with you.

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  10. Exactly what Terzah said! I admire you for even training for an event like that. Don't think I would / could ever do that. Can't wait to follow your path to SUCCESS!!

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  11. well I think you are BRAVE and I support you 100%

    It is normal to be afraid of the unknown...see like for me..marathon...

    I remember when I was pregnant I was afraid...and then Will was born..7 years later I am LESS afraid....

    afraid is good...means we take risks.

    you can do this

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  12. We all have fear. Absolutely.

    But you've already proven that you can commit to something and follow it thru - Disney! Many become injured during training, but at least you'll be training.

    You can do this!!! And I for one will be following along :)

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  13. You are one brave woman. I don't think of you as afraid at all!

    I am afraid of the whole damn swimming thing in the sprint triathlon. Many things about it scare me, too many to mention!

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  14. I'm so glad you wrote this post. I keep saying things like this (IF I want to do a half IM) but there are so many fears. Congrats on making the leap! I'm looking forward to following your training. Maybe it will be enough for me to make the leap also. :)

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  15. Not only CAN you do it, but you'll do it and laugh in the face of fear. I think we've ALL been here, and this is all so normal. You're a rockstar, you're GOING to finish, and we're all going to be here to enjoy the ride..

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  16. Sounds like me with my first marathon. I talked about doing it, but held up on signing up because I was afraid. But I'm signed up and going for it!!

    Can't wait to read about your training! You'll do great!

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  17. I felt exactly the same when I signed up for my marathon. I was terrified - mostly of failure. But in the end I accepted that failure was an option and it wouldn't be the end of the world if it did happen. Embrace the fear and give it your best shot. It's all that you can do.

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  18. awesome, good luck and have fun!

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  19. I suffer shoulder issues too and have decided to swim the minimum amount possible in training to try to avoid surgery. I say this as I sit having an ice bag on both shoulders and committed to a half Ironman in July.

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  20. I signed up for a HIM too and to be quite honest, I am afraid for many of the same reasons. I hear it is normal. I dunno... there are more days than not that I feel I made a bad decision. I will struggle with it too. I hope something clicks in my training that gives me a positive outlook. The negativity is impacts my training.

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  21. Yay! That is so exciting! It takes a lot of courage to commit to a goal that big, you are very brave in my opinion. You will never know what you can accomplish until you try.

    When I first started racing I was afraid of coming in last, and I kept this mantra in my head "Dead last finish is better than did not finish, which is better than did not start." Just crossing the start line is an accomplishment, and doing the training to get there.

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  22. Fear is normal, fear means you respect the distance, I have fear at the beginning of each race still, regardless of the distance. Just take it one day at a time, slowly chipping away at it

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  23. So So excited for you and can't wait to follow along on your training.
    I battle the fear of not being a 'good' runner all the time. I am already nervous about my next race..and it is a nothing like 5km. Fear can eat you up...you just have to learn to starve it.

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  24. you'd better stop worrying and jump into that bigger circle ;) Jim and Jack will help support you!!!

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  25. I wrote a very similar post recently about 70.3. Except I haven't signed up. I'm still too scared.

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  26. My fear? Hard to put into words on Blogger...but I do have one.

    Sincerely hoping you are able to conquer your racing fears, Michael.

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  27. You have to commit but having the fear is normal too. I think without it we will all be injured very quickly. So put your heart in it and believe in yourself. You can definitely do this. I live this year by the Nike slogan of "Just Do It". I don't talk about it anymore and just do it. That's why I'm committed to do Pikes Peak in August. No idea how I'm paying for the trip yet but I'm doing it. Go Michael, you are strong!

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  28. Awesome!!! I hear you on the whole fear thing with this distance...it IS scary! But, then I think how amazing it would be to accomplish that goal...you can totally do this! Can't wait to follow the journey!

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  29. I hate that feeling, but if there wasn't fear it would be easy and then what is the challenge in that! Congrats on putting it out there - I'm sure you will do an amazing job in the race xx

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  30. That's HUGE!!!! YAY! You can totally do it... don't let yourself psych yourself out! Just take it one day at a time. You totally won't get sucked up in the race because you are slow (you won't be the slowest by far). You will get through the bike because it gets WAY easier the more you are on it (I call that T.I.T.S - time in the saddle) and you take care of the shoulder.

    :)

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