Fear

I am afraid. 

Afraid of what?  Of failure.  Around August of last year I started discussing the possibility of doing a Half Ironman with some of my girlfriends.  It was a fun idea to talk about, but now it’s becoming more of a reality.  I haven’t signed up for the race yet – why - because I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of lots of things:

·         I am afraid that my shoulder won’t hold out and that I’ll train and train only to be disappointed in the end and unable to race.

·         I’m afraid I won’t physically be able to bike for 56 miles.  I remember all too well my first (and only) 50 mile ride and how I thought I was going to die before I finished.

·         I’m afraid that I will be too slow and get “swept” from the race.  How disappointing would that be?

·         I’m afraid of new injuries and the fact that I’m not sure my body is up for the challenge.

·         I’m afraid of the training time and commitment.

·         I’m afraid of getting a flat tire in the middle of the race and not being able to fix it.

·         I’m afraid of finishing dead last.

·         I’m afraid.

This isn’t my first big event.  Over the past couple of years I’ve had several “firsts” – completing my first half marathon, first triathlon and first marathon.  So why is this one troubling me so much?  I do think my biggest fear is my shoulder.  I’m still not certain that I am physically capable of doing the training to get to the point where I can swim 1.2 miles.  I still know in the back of my mind that surgery has been recommended.  I know that I’ve been swimming again for a month, but have seen little improvement.  I don’t want to commit to the very hefty $250 race fee only to find out that I can’t race.  But am I using that as an excuse not to move forward?  I don’t know.  If my shoulder was out of the equation, would I still be here? 

I keep talking in terms of “if I train for this Half Ironman” and “if I do this Half Ironman”.  I need to stop saying if and start saying when.  I already know that I don’t have to commit physically to the race (i.e. sign up for it and pay the fee), but I need to commit mentally.  I need to say I am training for a Half Ironman, I am going to do a Half Ironman in July.  If at the end of the day my shoulder is an inhibitor, well it just is, that stuff happens, but I can’t keep letting that get in my way and give me an excuse to not try.

So friends, I’m saying it to the world.  I am training for a Half Ironman.  My journey begins February 27.  I hope you will all be here to help me along the way.  I know I’ll need your support.

What do you fear?  Do you let it stop you?

“The miracle isn’t that I finished, it’s that I had the courage to start” – John Bingham